Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Update 4/7/10 Day 149

Dear friends,

What a funk I'm in today. There's no one to blame but myself. I majored on the minors and let the truly worthy things lie dormant, so the wet blanket descends. I got mad about things today, not that mad is wrong at times, but it grew into some wormy, festery kind of thing and I wouldn't let it go. I can't give you all the details, just trust me when I say I need a Savior every second of my life. If thoughts could creep and crawl, mine would be slithering about. Today I simply wanted to return to my old life, where I don't think about the blasted accident at some point during the day. I wanted to make it go away. And all the streamers that came with it.

Now I think about those poor, lost miners in some horrible dark cave in West Virginia. And my self pity (ugly, isn't it), has to go back to the dark pit it came from, because as always, there are those whose troubles exceed mine like a hurricane exceeds a merry ocean breeze. Even in this, I can faintly here the Great One saying "Let not your heart be troubled; trust in God, trust also in me..."

Our cell group is coming in about a half hour. I know being around people of faith, true, authentic people who love God and who also struggle with every kind of sin, will be a blessing even in my funkiness. Church isn't a place for "good" people, it's a hospital for broken ones. But the bottom line is that the Great One Himself will come to the rescue. That comforting Holy Spirit will come through and straighten me out once again in that indescribable way. Until I experience the change, I'll simply dog it out in faith, because I've seen Him come through too many times.

I can't give my family back what was lost. I don't have the power. Today it really bugs me.

Sorry I'm not a little more sunny on this gorgeous, seems-like-summer day, but you know I think too highly of you to pretend. Your prayers have pulled me out of plenty of muck before. You know already you mean so much to me, really, and I'm grateful for your comfort.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,



Anonymous said...

its ok to have days this today, you and your family have been thru a rough couple of months, i pray for you everyday and that they continue healing as well as they are. god bless you and your family..

Tiffany Radley

Anonymous said...

"I can't give my family back what was lost. I don't have the power. Today it really bugs me."

From what I know of your family in the short time I have been on the inside, I am certain that what the Lord has in store is so much better than what was; and what I mean by that is this: You are lovers of the Lord Most High; dedicated disciples of His Spirit, and yearners of all He has for you. What was lost was precious - most of which I will never know - but what all of you have to gain by the experiences of the last 5 months will be awesome as you look back 2, 5, 10 years from now. You all will squeeze the living daylights out of everything the Lord wants to bring through this tragedy - He knows that none of what He desires to do in all of you will be lost because you are God chasers, ones who will pursue His will with all your hearts, souls, minds and strengths. What you are powerless to do is a good thing - you cannot restore the past. What you DO have the power to do is step aside and watch the Lord work HIS POWER in you and your family so that you may see a transformation that you could only ask or think about. Days like these will come and go, but the faithfulness of the Lord is the constant that you can cling to. You don't think He's ready to let go of any of you at this point, do you? I didn't think so. He's wild about you, woman. And He's crazy about your man and your kiddies too. I am grateful to walk this road with you - good friends are hard to find - I have been richly blessed. XXOO Mar

Chris Cloutier said...

It hurts me to see you in this funk.
Your biting honesty about
it cuts to the quick. The reminders of what happened last November -
interupt you.
You are in mmy prayers!