Monday, April 19, 2010

Update 4/19/10 Day 161

Dear friends,

I have never been so happy to sit down with a keyboard in my life. You have no idea how comforting it is to know you are out there, listening, praying, walking the road with me. Today I had a knock down, drag out with the enemy of my soul. I cried a torrent of tears, and I fought like a madwoman for every inch of ground I took back of hope and faith. The Psalms are always friends to me when the climb gets steep. David wrote them with a brutal honesty that actually frightens me at times. Talk about a man without guile! If anyone wore their heart on their sleeve, it was David. No emotion is spared in his restless wind of words. God, I love the Psalms...

"I love you, O Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths,
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help
And you healed me.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave;
You spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of His;
praise His holy name.
For His anger lasts only a moment,
but His favor lasts a lifetime;
Weeping may remain for a night,
But rejoicing comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:1-5

If I could talk about the reason for my pain, I would. But it goes into that area that I must keep confidential. Suffice it to say that there is fallout from the accident that is excruciating. I think Niagara Falls was backed up in my emotions, and it didn't take much to open the dam. Emotional expressions are fine. But the raw discouragement and hopelessness I felt I recognized pretty quickly as the dark one taking advantage of a weak spot. Down went my foot, open went The Book, and the Great One once again reminded me of His surpassing eminence. On top of that, I knew once the bloggies started to pray there would be no end of light penetrating the pit. I'm telling you, dear ones, the spiritual battles are ever so real. But there is exceeding grace to fight them. I open my hand and accept the pain, knowing for sure rejoicing is on the way. I don't know when these deep sorrows of the heart will morph into victory, but I know with every fiber of my being that they will. I'll tell you right now, I won't bow down to a lie. Not today. By God's grace, not ever.

I want to tell you that I have figured out that I am not cool. I was at Planet Fitness today, where there is an abundance of cool folk. Here's how I know I'm not cool: I walked away from my elliptical without unplugging my headphones (while they were on my head). I dropped my phone (twice) trying to carry out my sweatshirt and keys when I finished the workout. I also dropped my water bottle, and it rolled around in front of several treadmilling cool people. I got some disinfectant spray in my eyes trying to spray it on the paper towel to clean off my machine. And to top it all off, I went out the in door when I left. The only good thing about not being cool, is that when you're almost at the half century mark like I am, you no longer care if you're cool or not. But you would still rather not trip anyone with your rolling water bottle...

Random notes on my son David:

He informed us that he wishes he had a tail.

He thinks it would be interesting if someone was allergic to sneezing.

(You see, my life is full of laughter too, not just tears!)

By the way, Stephen went to Planet Fitness today too. He, however, is a teensy bit cool (at least to me). It wasn't always so. Ask him to tell you how I saved him from complete nerdhood... Anyway, he walked for 20 minutes on the treadmill and rode 15 minutes on the bike. Think about it. Herculean! Then he went to Sunnyview for a little arm twisting (ha!), and then to work. Homeric!

I mean what I said. Typing here has been sweet relief. The Great One takes us through our troubles by various means, but He is always at the bottom of it. Thank you once again for dogging it out with me, day by unpredictable day.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,



Anonymous said...

Of all the disappointments in my life, finding out that you are not cool has to be at the top of the list. I only hang out with you because I thought you were cool, and I thought that would get me in with all the other cool people, since, as my children tell me, I am not cool at all. Oh the misery! Well, now we can be short, hobbit-like nerds together.

I am not happy that you had a miserable day yesterday, but I am glad that you were able to get that torrent of tears out and process your pain, which seems to be on-going and relentless. I am at a loss for why things go on as they do; all I can think is that it's a call for those of us who surround you to up our prayer for you so that you will know more grace than you could have ever asked for or imagined. Glory for the Lord must come from all of this - it's a promise; and remember, even though it's not anywhere near what you want or need it to be YET, He is doing a work in YOU through all of this that even I, your hobbit-like, nerdy friend, thought was totally unnecessary - I really thought you were perfect. I can't see a thing wrong with you - but HE knows the tweaking that has to go on in our hearts and minds, does He not? Sorrow and pain truly are the great catalysts to change in us - this is unfortunately so true. Please know that I love you with all of my heart, and that I am available to you at any time of the day or nite to lean on, cry with, talk to or just be plain old uncool with. XXOO Mar

Christina said...

My sweet, sweet, sweet Loriann, if you only knew how very much you inspire me. I love you and I am praying hard for you today, love always, Christina

Mel said...

I think you're cool.
And I'm praying for you still. I know that you know this, but I thought that reading it might be a bit encouraging.
Phil. 1:4-6
"In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy
because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Anonymous said...

Yes, we're out here, listening, reading, walking, climbing, crying, laughing, celebrating and praying with and for you. I can't begin to tell you how much I value your blog, notes and writings and those of your forever friends! How much I look forward to reading each day and learning and growing! You've helped me be better at MUCH, with my kids, my husband, my friends and my walk w/my Lord. I can't begin to THANK YOU, but to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and to continue to pray for you! I can't imagine that there is actually more that you're going thru; but please know that I pray for you often and will continue. "....weeping may remain for a night, but JOY comes in the morning". YFotPR, Laurie D.

johandav said...

My dear friends,

Your comments are physical proof of the invisible truth that light shines in the darkness. Thank you for sticking with me while I work through the longer lasting pains of this thing, even as we rejoice over all the wonders God has performed. Like you said, Mel, he will carry it on to COMPLETION!