Monday, April 5, 2010

Update 4/5/10 Day 147

Dear friends,

During November and December, I carried my LLBean canvas bag with me everywhere I went. In that cavern were the necessities of daily life in trauma land. In particular, stuffed and overflowing, was the 60’s looking folder given to me by the matchless Trish Regan, nursing supervisor and friend extraordinaire, in which I kept notes, important papers, business cards, and other miscellaneous bits I couldn’t afford to lose. Many times I simply stuck things in there knowing I would never remember I got them until someone asked me for something. It even has that famous hand drawn original picture by Dr. Bagchi, which some of you witnessed, putting on paper the massive orthopedic disaster area that was my husband. Also in that bag was the big fat accident report, loose cards that hadn’t made it home to the huge plastic storage box (we’ve saved most of those notes and cards, except a few lost in transit), a stationary store’s worth of pens, discharge folders from Sunnyview, etc, etc…

Well, when I returned to work, I needed that bag to bring my dinner and other stuff I transport to the hospital. So I pulled everything out of what had been a source of security and dumped it on my desk. It’s been sitting there for 2 weeks, waiting to be filed. And I have found myself resisting. Every time I think to sit down and go through it all, I conveniently find something else to do. So today, since I’m doing a bible study on getting unstuck, I forced myself to actually examine what my problem is.

I’ve got 2 things going at once here. One is the pain of looking at the symbols and metaphors for a changed life. The other is the bittersweet memories of the people I have met along the way, and who I miss, and who were meant to travel with me for a while on the pilgrim road; but just for a while. I know the Great One will be right there as I sort out every detail. Words on paper mean a whole lot more than ink and chewed up trees. These names, diagnosis', consent forms for surgery – these are the stuff of a huge paradigm change that has wrought sorrow and wonder. I am still amazed at the beauty from the ash heap of a calamity. Good Lord, it knocks me over like a mighty wind.

So tomorrow all those miscellaneous pieces of my life will be put away. I may need to refer to them as we continue on our way, but I no longer need to carry them close. Kind of like my insecurities themselves. The Great One says, "leave them behind - trust in me". One more step on the pilgrim road. One more inch of faith. How I wrestle with the false idea that I can control my world! That perhaps if I'm anxious enough about this problem or that, I can keep a handle on it. Ha! Jesus says "If you lose your life for my sake, you'll gain it". In other words, stop holding on, simply follow. Leave it all up to the Great One. You would think I'd get it by now...

Now, for some really cool news. I want you to know that our wreck of a car is going to serve some good in this world. My friend Ed Frank of Choices 301, an education and advocacy group has a mission:

"To raise awareness in both our youth and adults regarding the importance of safe driving-- use of seat and lap belts, observance of proper speed limits, and especially the need for abstinence of alcohol and other drugs when operating motor vehicles."

Our car will be featured as a display in his building, where many young people are introduced to the devastating impact of drunk driving. That car is one ugly sight. Good. It's all about truth. There were people in that car. People I love. People you love. And there are many others who were in other cars. Some are dead now. The Great One says "tell the truth in love." Let them see it. Seeing it is truth. Saving someone from the disaster of it is love.

I'm unpacking my bags, friends. Are there any the Great One wants you to unpack?

Your friend on the pilgrim road,



Anonymous said...

Great entry today. You touched on the exact reason so many of us never get free from life controlling issues - we refuse to deal with the pain that those issues are asociated with. As you have throughout your walk with the Lord, you continue to be an example of "how to do it". This is Christianity 101 - we will continue to be locked into our addictions, attitudes, depressions and so forth if we refuse to take all of the garbage out of the bag we're holding onto and take a deep, long look at how all that stuff got in there in the first place. From there we can follow the path to recognizing the sinful thought patterns associated with those incidents that brought the addictions and so forth and actually find out that it's the lies that we are holding onto as truths are the very things that are killing us! THIS is where we begin the process of repentance. We hold up those lies to the Word and do an A/B comparison - does that line up with what the Lord says is truth? If not, we know what things to confess to the Lord and to one another; and as we continually do this "The blood of Jesus... cleanses us from all sin" 1 John 1:7

Should I get off my soap box now?

Thanks for a great start to my day. Love you! XXOO Mar

Anonymous said...

Your "In other words...stop holding on, simply follow" hit me like a ton of bricks. And was just the answer to prayer I was seeking. I'm following Lord, I give it all to you Jesus. I trust in you Jesus.
Thank you Loriann and God bless you as you follow and are used by Him.
Following Jesus with you on the Pilgrim Road, Laurie D.