Thursday, February 18, 2010

Update 2/18/10 Day 102

Dear friends,

Does February ever end? How can such a short month feel so confounded long? It's like being caught in a trap between winter and spring, still much more in winter but longing for that first breath of almost warm air, and the mud on the front lawn, and feeling like you want to wear yellow. The Great One moves everything along as He sees fit. Far be it from me to try running the Universe! I have trouble pulling up the suction cups on the bottom of Stephen's shower bench. February is exactly as long as it's supposed to be. My patience, however, is not.

I had a pretty good cry today. My Joseph got his learner's permit. Now it's not that I'm so sentimental or thinking of him as a beautiful, plump, adorable baby (well, maybe a little), and that the time has rocketed by (it has). In reality, it's the trust factor raising its head again. A little over 3 months ago I almost lost my husband and daughter behind the wheel of a car. So the idea of my firstborn driving is freaking me out a bit. I know he'll get lots of practice between point a and point b, but it's still a major step of faith at this juncture. I have seen the power and mercy of God in ways I never would have if not for this trouble. But there's no escaping the unpredictability of life. I've always known it is there, but it resides in my bones now. I have to let him learn. I wish I could hide him in a total protection suit. I know all you parents know exactly what I'm talking about. I hang on to a scripture God cemented in my heart when I was pregnant for Joe: "I will pour out my spirit on your offspring, my blessing on your descendants..." The Great One is trustworthy, no matter what. It's hard to add that no matter what. But that's where the rubber meets the road. Do I love God only if He plays by my rules (as if He were "tame"). Or do I know that "there's more to this world than meets the eye" as my daughter so eloquently said when she first emerged from unconsciousness 3 months ago. Not only is He the boss, He's the Father. So what He says, goes. But what He loves is us. And that impacts the what He says that goes. "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you..." That's rock solid. That we can depend on. So behind the wheel my baby will go.

The movie tonite was too much for my psyche. I left the room to write while Steve and Hannah are watching The Bridge on the River Kwai. I just couldn't do the war movie thing. I mostly want comedies these days as you know. This Sunday, I will start back to work at Albany Med. I'll ease back in with just one evening a week and eventually I'll return to all 3 evenings. It's a bit scary going back. On the homefront, I want to make sure my family is ok. At work, I don't even remember my computer sign on. This should be interesting. I'm grateful for the job, believe me. It pays for my health insurance. Amazing how much that is a month. But if anybody knows how necessary it is, it's us. Even with insurance, something like this packs a financial punch. I again thank you all so much for your generosity, which will help tremendously with the expenses waiting in the pipeline. 15 OT and 15 PT visits just won't cut it for Smitty. That's all insurance covers. So the Advent $ will keep him going. God bless all of you!

Busy therapy day tomorrow, and Miss Rejoice's first guitar lesson in the afternoon. I'm dog tired, and still have that nagging pain on the right side, so I'm off to beddie by. Keep the faith, friends. This little joy ride is short.

You're the tippity top!

Your friend on the pilgrim road,



Pam Letendre said...

Andrew got his permit last March and believe me,I think I held my breath the entire time he first started to drive. I wanted to have a brake pedal on my side. I just held on and prayed. As with everything I guess we have to just keep praying and hangin on. It surely is a very difficult time and for you it must be so
much more so. As always you are in my prayers and thoughts many times each day.

Anonymous said...

Yea I know what you mean about February.. but I am not ready for it to end.. cause I know the last day means the last day Dan will be hear.. then Codie and I will be gone for a year.. and I am not ready to leave this small little town that I love.. but I just keep telling myself it is only a year we all will be back.

Becky Lane