I promised you I would be honest and not hide my struggles on this uphill climb. I thank the Mighty One for keeping me vertical, for knowing the way I take, and for His mercy to me as I stumble and groan, rejoice and sing.
I was pierced with fear today, and it cut deeply. Hannah has made tremendous progress, and my gratitude is profound. There are still things within her yet to emerge, and today I was confronted with the idea from a sweet and wonderful professional that "some people never come all the way back". I can run with any emotion, and still, by His amazing grace, trust God. But fear is my mortal enemy. Fear takes me to the edge of the abyss and threatens to destroy me. I can't let it get its hooks in me or I'm a dead man. I was there today. But it lifted. And you are the reason why.
He hears your prayers. His word is true that says "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. Therefore, I will not FEAR, though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..." I have always loved what C.S. Lewis said: "Sometimes you have to tell your feelings where to get off". The truth is, God is doing and will do amazing things. It is well with my soul.
Hannah comes home tomorrow. How about a Hallelujah? My joy at being with my girl and my boys at home is only matched by my sorrow that Stephen won't be there. There it is again, joy and sorrow sleeping (ah, sleep) in the same bed. Who will turn on my electric blanket an hour ahead of time so it's toasty when I go to bed? Who will check all the locks and make sure Cosette is inside for the night? Who will set up my coffee for the morning? Oh my best friend, how I miss you. You make everything around you sunny. I hope you feel the love.
Hannah will visit the dentist tomorrow to get her lose tooth out and to see how we will fix the adorable toothless grin on that beautiful face. Stephen will be recovering from today's surgery, which is this subject of a second blog this evening.
My fabulous friend Sharon from the attorney's office took care of all my insurance/no fault papers for me today, and set it up at the pharmacy so I won't have any copays. My wise and wonderful husband purchased extra insurance through our carrier which will make this possible. Thank you Jesus. Those copays can really add up. Hannah has quite a few meds to come home with, so this is a big help.
Now I know this post is a bit disjointed (as was my husband's foot), but I'm working off of 3 hours of sleep, so forgive me. I thought for a minute about passing on the blog tonite but... NAH! Love you too much. Need you too much.
The Gracious Judy will help us move out of Sunnyview tomorrow. Of course Miss Hannah will be back as an outpatient, but we'll be home. Some wonderful friends are putting together a Thanksgiving meal for us so I won't have to cook on Thursday. Of course I will be making my world renowned chocolate chip scones for breakfast, lest I be stoned by my offspring. I can't wait to get up on Thanksgiving morning, put those scones in the oven, and snuggle on the couch with my kids to watch the parade. It could never be complete without Stephen, who we will all visit later in the day. Still, it's a beautiful beginning, given the past 16 days. I'm so sorry we won't have our usual house full of bustling, wonderful people. But there's no doubt we will next year. Keep hold of your invitations, that one ought to be some party.
Check the other update for today for the details on Stephen's surgery. This weekend his family is in town so he'll have plenty of visitors. (No one will be there Thursday morning if anyone would like to go and just sit next to him). Please gage his need for sleep. He's been awfully tired lately. When he's feeling better he'll need lots of visitors. Right now he needs quiet rest.
So I melted down today, but it's okay. God's people helped me up. So much more to tell but I've got just enough energy for the surgery blog. You've got to know you are the best friends money could never buy. I love you with all my broken heart.
Your friend on the pilgrim road,
Loriann
5 comments:
Dear Loriann:
I too must daily remove the hooks of fear lest they pierce and harm me, so I hear you, and feel for you - deeply. I will be praying for that specifically. I want you to know that at first I read this blog faithfully so that I would know how to pray, and what prayer requests to pass on. However, they have quickly become food to my soul! As you share how your faith is bringing you through, when you talk about your 'best friend', and when you encourage us(!) - I am so blessed, and I am sure that many others are as well. Even in your time of need, God is using you to bless others, abundantly. So sleep soundly oh beautiful daughter of Christ! May His angels watch over you and yours, and give you
stength-producing rest. In Him - Joanna
Its wonderful to see,in the mist of this tragedy...How many people love the Smiths.Its a testimony to you my big sister,Steve,Joe,Hannah and David.Its like George Baily standing on the bridge,then everyone is dumping money on the table.But in this case its not money...it is an amazing love for you all based upon thier love and trust in God...you have touched so many.Your joy and sorrow is shared by multitudes,as is the road ahead.That you can be sure of.All my love, Donnie
Loriann: Following are the words to a song the Lord gave me many years ago to battle fear with. I'll play and sing it for you some time. Hope it helps you in your battle as well. Rejoicing with you that Hannah will be home today. I am overcome with joy for you in that. Our God is more than enough. I love you with all my heart. Mary Ann
"Though I walk through the valley of shadows, and the war rages on for my soul, like a warrior who's mighty in battle, Lord you rescue me, you destroy my enemy. I will not fear, for you are with me; You are my strength, I will not be afraid. You are the hope that lives within me. Lord, you are my light, You are my life. And though daily I battle the darkness, struggling ever so hard with my fear, in the midst of the battle you call me, and you rescue me, Lord you set me free. I will not fear for you are with me; You are my strength, I will not be afraid. You are the hope that lives within me. Lord, you are my light, You are my life. There was a time when I would cower in the darkness, but you have sent your Word, and I am walking in the light. Standing on the truth that you would be with me forever, I am not alone and I am standing in the light, standing in the light. I will not fear for you are with me. You are my strength, I will not be afraid. You are the hope that lives within me. Lord, You are my light, You are my life."
About two years ago, my niece was in a terrible accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury. The doctors and specialists were not optimistic and they shared their opinions and prognoses with all of us; little comments here and there to help us "manage our expectations." A few days after her accident, I had a conversation at church with a friend, who is also a member of the medical profession and an expert on the brain. He made a simple statement that I found to be very reassuring so I thought I'd share it with you. He said that while doctors and experts, with good intentions, will try to explain what will happen, the miraculous self-healing power of the brain is proof that God is in charge. He was right...thank God.
Speaking of C.S. Lewis...
I was reading "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" the other night. There is a chapter in the book entitled 'The Dark Island' where the ship and its crew become stuck in a dark fog the surrounds an island where nightmares come true. As they struggle to get out, a white bird comes to show them the way. As it circles the topmast where Lucy is standing, it whispers to her, "Courage, dear heart." It then leads them out of the Darkness and the Darkness is destroyed.
I love this picture and I've been thinking of it as your family goes through this time of darkness. Courage, dear hearts, for God is making a way out and when you walk in the Light the darkness is broken! I'm praying for you all and love you all very much.
Jessica Dubin
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