Update 4/21/10 Day 163

Dear friends,

One of our fellow bloggies, Susan K., sent me a link for a website that makes me laugh, cry and wonder. It's called "The Rabbit Room" (www.rabbitroom.com), and it is best described as a hang out for creative types who get a kick out of words and are making sense of this fallen world through the prism of the grace of G0d. My favorite author, C.S. Lewis, was one of the writers who inhabited the real Rabbit Room in Oxford, England, along with J.R.R. Tolkien and some other fascinating literary folk, most of them followers of the Great One. I've enjoyed this site, and have learned from the humility and story telling power of the people who post there. I was especially intrigued with one question, and thought I would bring it to your attention, just for fun.

In the book, "The Hobbit", by Tolkien (my current read), the main character Bilbo Baggins is challenged to go on the adventure of a lifetime. Bilbo's DNA is split between two temperaments. His mother, Belladonna Took, comes from a long line of Hobbits who were risk takers; willing to take on the unknown, follow the star, face a possible danger. But Bilbo's father's side was pure, safe, contented Hobbit. Happy by the fire with a pipe and a book in a comfy chair, enjoying the pleasures of home and hearth. Skittish about anything beyond the confines of the sweet Shire.

So the question they asked, and I ask you, are you more a Baggins or a Took? I will tell you that by nature I am a Baggins. I love C.S. Lewis' quote "You can never get a book long enough or a cup of tea big enough to suit me..." The older I've gotten, the more Baggins-like I seem to be. I'm contented to have my world settled. But one thing Tolkien makes clear in all his marvelous stories: you must contend with the fallen world, or it will contend with you. I think since the accident my inner Took has come out. Tookness is necessary when we bump up against the darkness of a world where terrible things happen. It is required that we resist evil and strive for good, or else darkness will surely press down on our broken planet. I think everyone has some Took in them. I love those folks who are natural Tooks, who wrestle down their fears and insist on a life of challenge. I'm glad the Great One gives us both the comforts of home and the excitement of the unknown. Perhaps we're all blends of Baggins and Took, depending on the day, depending on the hour...

I can't wait to hear what the angle is on Steve's elbow. Soon, Sweet Sandy will measure the bend, and we'll find out what that blasted Dynasplint is made of. He's also going to talk to Dr. Bagchi to see if anything can be done to get that right shoulder moving. It's still very stiff and doesn't want to stretch too high. Miss Rejoice continues to do well in school. She's anxious to get back to her regular gym class, but won't be cleared until Dr. Samaio sees her in early May. He wants to be cautious. But she's raring to go. Hannah had so much homework tonite she skipped Gen Church. Now you've got to know she's loaded with it if she misses Wednesday evenings at DFG. She's a dedicated student, always the over achiever. She's got more discipline in her pinky than I have in my whole body! What a kid.

Time for bed, with a little Hobbit to lull me off to sleep. (And I don't mean you, MaryAnn!) I love to read in bed. I love to read period. With a cup of tea. And in the winter, a fire. (But no pipe...) Definitely a Baggins...

Love to all of you dear friends, Baggins' and Tooks alike!

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/20/10 Day 162

Dear friends,

First of all, thanks for the prayers and kind words after yesterday’s post. I got my gumption back. On Congress St. in Troy this morning, I was reminded of why I’m one of the fortunate ones.

I was asked by the Rensselaer County DA’s office to come to the DWI Crime Victims Memorial Ceremony, which honors the families of those who were killed by drunk drivers in Rensselaer County. My friend Bill Dikant was there, and the names of 3 Dikant’s were on the memorial stone – Bill’s wife, son and daughter. The main speaker lost his daughter 12 years ago by the hand of a drunk driver. I’m telling you pilgrims, this was tough stuff. I got the opportunity to talk to Mr. Bodner and his wife briefly after the program, and the heartbreak is deep and wide. It was only a few short steps up the ladder in my head to the realization that I could have been one of these people. But mine lived. Mine breathe the air of earth and sit at my dinner table and watch corny movies with me. Mine can enjoy the taste of chocolate ice cream and the smell of Coast Guard Beach and the sight of our crab apple tree in full bloom. If mine had died, my heart would be broken. I was spared sorrow upon sorrow. But if I had lost them, I know the Great One would have been there too. His goodness is not held hostage by the dark tragedies of a fallen world. He is in the business of redeeming everything. This isn’t some platitude. In real life God intervenes in the affairs of men. His motive is always good, even if we are too wounded or confused or angry to see it.

“Nothing can alter the character of God. In the course of a human life, tastes and outlook and temper may change radically: a kind, equable man may turn bitter and crotchety: a man of good-will may grow cynical and callous. But nothing of this sort happens to the Creator. He never becomes less truthful, or merciful, or just, or good, than He used to be.” --J.I. Packer

I had a cup of coffee with Bill D. after the event, and he regaled me with wonderful stories of his grandparents (immigrants from Czechoslovakia), and his travels on trains, and his love of a good lobster. I couldn’t help but feel lighter after an hour with him at the East Greenbush Diner. He has paid a heavy price for someone else’s sin. But he didn’t crawl into a hole and die himself. He spends his life as an advocate for justice. How I want to make this trouble count for something good! I am inspired by the overcomers I see all around me. Most of all, I am awed by the One and Only, who hasn’t given up on this upside down world; on the contrary, The Book says “where sin did abound, grace did more abound…” Good thing for me. Crazy, reckless love.

I hope you like the photo of my crab apple tree in full bloom. If only I could blog the smell to you. Remember how beautiful it was covered with snow? I guess every season has its Cinderella dress…

I’m grateful for your prayers. Truly.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/19/10 Day 161

Dear friends,

I have never been so happy to sit down with a keyboard in my life. You have no idea how comforting it is to know you are out there, listening, praying, walking the road with me. Today I had a knock down, drag out with the enemy of my soul. I cried a torrent of tears, and I fought like a madwoman for every inch of ground I took back of hope and faith. The Psalms are always friends to me when the climb gets steep. David wrote them with a brutal honesty that actually frightens me at times. Talk about a man without guile! If anyone wore their heart on their sleeve, it was David. No emotion is spared in his restless wind of words. God, I love the Psalms...

"I love you, O Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths,
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help
And you healed me.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave;
You spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of His;
praise His holy name.
For His anger lasts only a moment,
but His favor lasts a lifetime;
Weeping may remain for a night,
But rejoicing comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:1-5

If I could talk about the reason for my pain, I would. But it goes into that area that I must keep confidential. Suffice it to say that there is fallout from the accident that is excruciating. I think Niagara Falls was backed up in my emotions, and it didn't take much to open the dam. Emotional expressions are fine. But the raw discouragement and hopelessness I felt I recognized pretty quickly as the dark one taking advantage of a weak spot. Down went my foot, open went The Book, and the Great One once again reminded me of His surpassing eminence. On top of that, I knew once the bloggies started to pray there would be no end of light penetrating the pit. I'm telling you, dear ones, the spiritual battles are ever so real. But there is exceeding grace to fight them. I open my hand and accept the pain, knowing for sure rejoicing is on the way. I don't know when these deep sorrows of the heart will morph into victory, but I know with every fiber of my being that they will. I'll tell you right now, I won't bow down to a lie. Not today. By God's grace, not ever.

I want to tell you that I have figured out that I am not cool. I was at Planet Fitness today, where there is an abundance of cool folk. Here's how I know I'm not cool: I walked away from my elliptical without unplugging my headphones (while they were on my head). I dropped my phone (twice) trying to carry out my sweatshirt and keys when I finished the workout. I also dropped my water bottle, and it rolled around in front of several treadmilling cool people. I got some disinfectant spray in my eyes trying to spray it on the paper towel to clean off my machine. And to top it all off, I went out the in door when I left. The only good thing about not being cool, is that when you're almost at the half century mark like I am, you no longer care if you're cool or not. But you would still rather not trip anyone with your rolling water bottle...

Random notes on my son David:

He informed us that he wishes he had a tail.

He thinks it would be interesting if someone was allergic to sneezing.

(You see, my life is full of laughter too, not just tears!)

By the way, Stephen went to Planet Fitness today too. He, however, is a teensy bit cool (at least to me). It wasn't always so. Ask him to tell you how I saved him from complete nerdhood... Anyway, he walked for 20 minutes on the treadmill and rode 15 minutes on the bike. Think about it. Herculean! Then he went to Sunnyview for a little arm twisting (ha!), and then to work. Homeric!

I mean what I said. Typing here has been sweet relief. The Great One takes us through our troubles by various means, but He is always at the bottom of it. Thank you once again for dogging it out with me, day by unpredictable day.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/18/10 22 weeks since crash

Dear friends,

The problem with keeping a public diary is that you are then forced to actually live your life the way you say you want to, or be completely exposed as a hypocrite. I am put to the test with this on a regular basis, and this evening in my office at the hospital, I again bumped up against the me I wish nobody knew. I think the places we work are the most fertile ground for grinding the nasty edges off of our persons. I had a little chat with a young lady who works on one of the surgical floors at Albany Med (ever in my heart as the world’s best hospital), who insisted she had told me something that I longed to insist she hadn’t. It was absolutely no big deal. But in my heart the “I’m right” worm came crawling out, making its way to my vocal cords and showing up in my attitude. In the middle of it I heard that quiet voice of the Great One (He could shout but He mostly whispers), “Let it go. You don’t have to be right.” Amazing how hard it was, even with this tiny matter, for me to simply say “OK, no problem”. I managed to choke it out, but when I hung up the phone I recognized again my every-moment need for the relentlessly good Spirit of the Living God. The big earthquakes of our lives (catastrophic car accidents, for example), certainly shape who we become. But the little frustrations, annoyances and bugaboos of daily life do their job too, like the ocean smoothing away the shore slowly, as opposed to when the hurricane comes in and takes out the whole parking lot.

The accident was 22 weeks ago. In a couple of weeks, the sentencing will be in the rear view mirror and another boulder will be rolled aside on the pilgrim road. But the day to day will always be with us. All of us. You have your troubles and I have mine. I’m no font of wisdom, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that there are choices to be made every day about what we are going to become. We’re becoming it minute by minute, decision by decision, or as the scripture says “line upon line, precept upon precept…” This is one of the reasons I’m so very proud of my Hercules. He decides each day to deal with the hardship he’s got, without a fuss, and by the grace of God. Now, don’t worry, he’s not perfect! Oh boy, is he not perfect. (Sorry honey!) But he is one who perseveres, and he is one who laughs a lot, and he is one who is willing to say “I’m sorry”. And most important of all, he is one who trusts the Lord Jesus Christ to forgive all his sins and give him everything he needs to “live and move and have his being”. Stephen is always well aware of those far worse off than him. The man, he walks funny, but he lives straight up.

Concerning those far worse off, if I might use this forum for a minute to let you know about some kind of sweet opportunity to help some poor, I mean really poor folks far away in sub-Saharan Africa. Our friends the Guilzons are here in the states for a while, but half their hearts are over there in Tanzania where they are building a medical clinic for the people of the Rukwa Valley, who have no other place to go for help. This is close to my heart, especially given the first rate American medical care Steve and Hannah have received in the past 5 plus months. Mark is a Physician's Assistant who has let go of all the comforts of the West, as have his beautiful wife and incredibly cool 4 kids, to cheerfully care for “the least of these” and to bring them God’s love wrapped up in a very practical package. Delmar Full Gospel is having 2 dessert nights on May 6 and 7, to let folks know about what Mercy Medical does. No arm twisting for money. These are just not those kind of people. DFG is just not that kind of church. But if you'd like to come, I’d love to see you there. And if you'd like to give money, by all means do so. Giving knocks the selfishness out of us like nobody’s business. Mine is always needing a one-two punch.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Thanks for the prayers for young Danny. Turns out he had a miserable case of Salmonella, and he'll be out of hospital soon. Go get em', Danny boy!

Update 4/17/10 Day 159

Dear friends,

The wheelchair ramp is history.

Swell Steven, Jovial Jon Michael, and Brother Donnie (the kidlet) took the thing down. (They even had a little help from Ian the Jubilant with Little Brother Noah on the side). I am so grateful to these dear folks who prove the continued and tenacious care for our family as we "ease on down the road". I felt like I would cry at one point during the "de-construction", because I remembered that cold day in December when the crew came just before Christmas to get the thing up before Smitty got home from Sunnyview. I remember so well wheeling Stephen up the ramp for the first time, and the tears we both shed when he returned to his own home. Every screw unscrewed, every board pulled up, represented so much more than wood and metal. There was love in the putting up, and love in the taking down. And there was plenty of love in between, when that ramp became the bridge between a hospital and home for my beloved husband.

How well I remember turning the corner on the ramp with the fixator leg sticking out, and being oh so careful not to bump the blasted thing! And helping Steve get his coat on to go out in the cold, when his arm wouldn't bend. I think of Smitty hopping with the walker to get in the passenger's side of the car, and me loading the wheelchair into the back, usually getting the wet from the wheels all over my coat. Those memories will stay with me forever. But so will the vignettes of the guys letting their hot chocolate get cold while they figured out the best way to put the ramp together. So will the picture of Tom Terrific putting in those wide doors in my bathroom and bedroom. So will the evenings (very late) when I would write to all of you as a way of making it through the cold, dark winter nights without Stephen at home. These and a thousand other stories are sewn in to the fabric of my life. The Great One alone knows the ultimate design. As my beautiful Aunt Evie used to tell me, "we see the knotty side of the tapestry, but God sees the finished front..."

A symbol and a help has been torn down. The Great One does this all through our lives, as he helps us grow up in to the next challenge. He knows when we are strong enough to leave something behind, or when we realize our weakness enough to hold on to Him, and let go of an earthly crutch. However it plays out, change is inevitable and right. Still, sometimes we have emotions about the fixtures from our pasts. They are the stuff of bittersweet memories, and the steps to higher places where the view will be breathtaking.

Bless you my friends. My heart is full.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/16/10 Day 158

Dear friends,

"But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored, and sorrows end." ~William Shakespeare

The folks in these photos are some dear members of our blog community, indeed, precious friends and some of the many who have walked beside us on the pilgrim road. They are as follows: Tracy, Rachel, Kim, Jessie, Jim, Christina, Hercules himself, Alyssa and Sam. Christina, Tracy and Kim all have coworkers too, who also read here and have encouraged our family in a thousand ways, especially at Christmastime. Many of these folks are responsible for providing a beautiful Christmas for my children when I was unable to shop for them. It is impossible to tell you all how grateful I am for your elaborate kindnesses. You're the cheese on the cracker, the frosting on the cake, the music during the silent movie.

We had a dashing time at Terrific Tracy and Gentle Jim's home tonite, complete with delicious hamburgers on the grill, a cake from Coccadott's, and best of all, sweet company. Smitty has been itching to play his favorite card game, Euchre, and play he did, with his teammate, One of a Kind Christina, whose Euchre methods are a bit questionable... I was handed my head in a heated round of Go Fish with the spirited Alyssa, who beat me handily at the ripe age of 5. I think the highlight of my evening was meeting Compassionate Kim, who I came to know through this blog, and who I felt a kinship with from early on. Here we are together:

Again the Great One reminds me of the tremendous treasure He has given to me. During a storm, He lashes us together with those who are willing to share our heartache and hold on while the wind blows. He Himself is the anchor.

Tomorrow, if all goes as planned, the ramp comes down. Can you even believe it? I can't describe the feeling I get remembering those strong men coming to my house to put the thing up. Or the feeling I get remembering pushing my helpless husband up that ramp for the first time. I thank God for the love wrapped up in those planks and screws, and for the men who put it up. And I thank the Great One that the time has come to remove it. May He be forever praised!

Thanks for the many great ideas you sent regarding places to go for our anniversary! I'll keep you in the loop on that one.

It's very late, and I've had a crick in my neck all day, so I'm signing off. It was a lovely evening with friends. I kind of feel that way every evening, really, because you so graciously allow me to share a little of this trek with you. By the way, another friend in our blog world needs our prayers. 12 year old Danny P. in Merry Old England is in hospital with some sort of as yet undiagnosed infection in his digestive tract. This is some great kid, and may be president someday. So send the Great One your best for him.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/15/10 Day 157

Dear friends,

Well, May is my anniversary month, and I’m hoping to enlist your assistance to come up with a good idea for an overnight with Hercules. Last year we went early (in March) to the Adirondacks for a stellar day of cross country skiing. Lots of times we like to hike, but that’s out this year. (Canes don’t go well in the Adirondacks. Or the Catskills for that matter). One idea is to go to Oyster Bay, Long Island to visit Sagamore Hill, home of Theodore Roosevelt. But I don’t know anything about that part of Long Island, and I’m not sure there are any pretty places nearby to stay. Anyway, if you have any ideas, email me or comment me or call me! We can stay for one night, possibly two if the price is manageable, and it needs to be within driving distance from home. There is, of course, that magnificent city only 150 miles south, and we do have the dear Hugh and Joelle to give us a temporary home… Mostly I just want not to let my anniversary slip by, especially this year. Especially.

In the final bible study of the spring, Beth Moore read this quote by Teddy Roosevelt. It’s one of Smitty’s favorites:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

Whenever I read that quote, I am convicted by my own lack of courage. I’m struck by the many times I have settled for the comfortable road rather than be “disliked”. I am not one who “dares greatly” by nature. But this I can say: I do know the “great devotion” of wanting more than anything to walk with the Great One. He alone can turn my insecurities into trust and my weakness to strength. He’s the hero who gets the credit. No one has ever really gone into the arena the way He did, and for sure no one else has ever done it (or could) for a world of people drowning in darkness. His valiant effort gives all of us the chance to change. If the car accident helps you and I remember that we have a hot 5 minutes on this planet, it will have done some good. With those 5 minutes, we can be a doer of deeds. Even if we fail. Even if we come up short again and again. And remember what Jesus said “If anyone gives just a cup of water to one of these little ones, he will certainly not lose his reward”. The deeds need not be large. Only packed with love. In fact, if there’s no love in them, they profit us nothing. No matter what it looks like on the outside. Motive is everything. That brings me to my knees.

Time for a little Jughead comic before I close my eyes. Told you the intensity level calls for a little levity sometimes!

Thanks again for your comments and emails. I read every one, even on the days I can’t respond. You really do make my day!

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann