Update 4/7/10 Day 149

Dear friends,

What a funk I'm in today. There's no one to blame but myself. I majored on the minors and let the truly worthy things lie dormant, so the wet blanket descends. I got mad about things today, not that mad is wrong at times, but it grew into some wormy, festery kind of thing and I wouldn't let it go. I can't give you all the details, just trust me when I say I need a Savior every second of my life. If thoughts could creep and crawl, mine would be slithering about. Today I simply wanted to return to my old life, where I don't think about the blasted accident at some point during the day. I wanted to make it go away. And all the streamers that came with it.

Now I think about those poor, lost miners in some horrible dark cave in West Virginia. And my self pity (ugly, isn't it), has to go back to the dark pit it came from, because as always, there are those whose troubles exceed mine like a hurricane exceeds a merry ocean breeze. Even in this, I can faintly here the Great One saying "Let not your heart be troubled; trust in God, trust also in me..."

Our cell group is coming in about a half hour. I know being around people of faith, true, authentic people who love God and who also struggle with every kind of sin, will be a blessing even in my funkiness. Church isn't a place for "good" people, it's a hospital for broken ones. But the bottom line is that the Great One Himself will come to the rescue. That comforting Holy Spirit will come through and straighten me out once again in that indescribable way. Until I experience the change, I'll simply dog it out in faith, because I've seen Him come through too many times.

I can't give my family back what was lost. I don't have the power. Today it really bugs me.

Sorry I'm not a little more sunny on this gorgeous, seems-like-summer day, but you know I think too highly of you to pretend. Your prayers have pulled me out of plenty of muck before. You know already you mean so much to me, really, and I'm grateful for your comfort.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/6/10 Day 148

Dear friends,

Jack Bauer couldn’t save the day last night, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. Let’s face it, no one can keep saving the world week after week and never miss the mark. Except, of course, the Great One. And even He has to work with that stubborn free will He knit into the fabric of humanity. (He still wins, of course, but I do declare we give Him no end of trouble! For now things look ugly, and the process is messy, but in the end He is the victor for sure!) I will miss 24 next year. We have been watching Jack give it to the bad guys since season 1, and he’s taken a beating for his trouble. You may not agree with his tactics, but his selfless devotion to others is a virtue I want to own. I know he’s a fictional character, but I have learned a lot of truth through stories, fairy tales and movies. Jesus, of course, was the master storyteller. He got through to rich rulers and homeless beggars alike with the power of a story…

Smitty is a rock, I tell you. He killed a spider for me last night. It required that he get up on a stool with those lousy bum legs, and smush the thing without messing up my beautifully painted walls, while I made the noises I always make when there is an insect within 20 feet of my person. It was truly heroic, as he had to hold on for dear life and not kill himself in the process. Of course his right arm won’t bend or reach, so he had to do it left armed, but he got that sucker and didn’t even soil my wall in the process. Homeric! He had some choice words for me as I commented and whimpered while he performed his feat of derring do, but hey, it was nothing compared to the cockroach event. That was many moons ago in Brooklyn, and involved a broom, Stephen, and my brother. Needless to say I was ordered from my apartment while they killed the beast. I was a bit disruptive to the operation…

More OT for the man Wednesday, when Sunnyview’s Sweet Sandy (a pit-bull in a bunny’s clothing), continues her personal war with Steve’s uncooperative elbow and shoulder. I love that girl. With a smile, she tortures for healing, and she has single handedly bought my husband a few more centimeters of motion. It doesn’t sound like much, but every bit matters in the functions of daily life. Ask Steve about tying a tie, and he’ll tell you that another inch or two would mean the world. Don’t ever take for granted the ease with which you gents can do it.

My little princess continues to recover, and her darling friends have been so good to her through this entire process. She’s on her second consecutive sleepover tonite (aka wake over, but Magnificent Mary Louise will pull the plug before it gets too late), and I can only say thank you to these young girls who have loved Hannah through thick and thin. This week we will consult a plastic surgeon to discuss how to move forward with the scarring on her face and legs. I can’t begin to express how proud I am of my daughter. She doesn’t feel sorry for herself ever, and you all can imagine a young teenage girl’s feelings about her face and teeth. The Great One will surely give her more blessings than she could have ever imagined for the things she has had to endure in her sweet soul. Her pilgrim road will be marked forever by the accident. But like Jack Bauer, her battering will make her one who endures. And one who cares.

A quick holler out to my friends at Albany Med, and to our Director, Cathy P. Thank you all for the love over these months, and for making me feel so welcome coming back! All that donated time off was incredible. You guys are simply the best! I loved working with you tonite, Kind Cara. And thank you for the encouraging comments on this blog during my absence.

Time for bed. Hopefully there are no more spiders lurking about. I think we need a cane attachment so Smitty won’t have to stand on something to kill the terrors. We could call it the “Jack Bauer Cane”. Meanwhile, may your bedrooms be clear of all winged or crawling creatures, and know that I will always be…

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

P.S. Please keep praying for Judy W. And those poor souls (hopefully alive) in the mine shafts of West Virginia.

Update 4/5/10 Day 147

Dear friends,

During November and December, I carried my LLBean canvas bag with me everywhere I went. In that cavern were the necessities of daily life in trauma land. In particular, stuffed and overflowing, was the 60’s looking folder given to me by the matchless Trish Regan, nursing supervisor and friend extraordinaire, in which I kept notes, important papers, business cards, and other miscellaneous bits I couldn’t afford to lose. Many times I simply stuck things in there knowing I would never remember I got them until someone asked me for something. It even has that famous hand drawn original picture by Dr. Bagchi, which some of you witnessed, putting on paper the massive orthopedic disaster area that was my husband. Also in that bag was the big fat accident report, loose cards that hadn’t made it home to the huge plastic storage box (we’ve saved most of those notes and cards, except a few lost in transit), a stationary store’s worth of pens, discharge folders from Sunnyview, etc, etc…

Well, when I returned to work, I needed that bag to bring my dinner and other stuff I transport to the hospital. So I pulled everything out of what had been a source of security and dumped it on my desk. It’s been sitting there for 2 weeks, waiting to be filed. And I have found myself resisting. Every time I think to sit down and go through it all, I conveniently find something else to do. So today, since I’m doing a bible study on getting unstuck, I forced myself to actually examine what my problem is.

I’ve got 2 things going at once here. One is the pain of looking at the symbols and metaphors for a changed life. The other is the bittersweet memories of the people I have met along the way, and who I miss, and who were meant to travel with me for a while on the pilgrim road; but just for a while. I know the Great One will be right there as I sort out every detail. Words on paper mean a whole lot more than ink and chewed up trees. These names, diagnosis', consent forms for surgery – these are the stuff of a huge paradigm change that has wrought sorrow and wonder. I am still amazed at the beauty from the ash heap of a calamity. Good Lord, it knocks me over like a mighty wind.

So tomorrow all those miscellaneous pieces of my life will be put away. I may need to refer to them as we continue on our way, but I no longer need to carry them close. Kind of like my insecurities themselves. The Great One says, "leave them behind - trust in me". One more step on the pilgrim road. One more inch of faith. How I wrestle with the false idea that I can control my world! That perhaps if I'm anxious enough about this problem or that, I can keep a handle on it. Ha! Jesus says "If you lose your life for my sake, you'll gain it". In other words, stop holding on, simply follow. Leave it all up to the Great One. You would think I'd get it by now...

Now, for some really cool news. I want you to know that our wreck of a car is going to serve some good in this world. My friend Ed Frank of Choices 301 www.choices301.com, an education and advocacy group has a mission:

"To raise awareness in both our youth and adults regarding the importance of safe driving-- use of seat and lap belts, observance of proper speed limits, and especially the need for abstinence of alcohol and other drugs when operating motor vehicles."

Our car will be featured as a display in his building, where many young people are introduced to the devastating impact of drunk driving. That car is one ugly sight. Good. It's all about truth. There were people in that car. People I love. People you love. And there are many others who were in other cars. Some are dead now. The Great One says "tell the truth in love." Let them see it. Seeing it is truth. Saving someone from the disaster of it is love.

I'm unpacking my bags, friends. Are there any the Great One wants you to unpack?

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/4/10 20 weeks since crash

Dear friends,

I hope your spirits matched the weather today because we were talking a number 10! When I get nostalgic about Easters past, I often remember patent leather shoes and sunny days. More likely than not, my memory is skewed. I bet most of my Easters were typical northeastern March or April days - cloudy, cool and a bit gloomy. But it's the sunny ones I recall. And the ones with snow measured in feet! Actually, my most memorable Easter happened when I was about 8 or 9. I woke my mother up to tell her the cat had kittens...on the kitchen table.

I did have to work at the hospital this evening. (It never closes, you know). I've kind of run out of time off (as I'm sure you can imagine), but I did go to church this morning with my family, and sister in law and nephews. Lori helped Steve with the ham and fixin's, while I went to the hospital. I am grateful people were working on Thanksgiving Day when my Hercules was so very ill. And I am blessed to work with the cream of the crop at Albany Med. So no complaints. None at all.

It's late Sunday night, and I'm going to bed soon. I'm sort of in that "too tired to sleep" spot, so perhaps a little Judy Garland and Fred Astaire in "Easter Parade" can be the tranquilizer of choice tonite. I love the part where they sing "We're a Couple of Swells" in their hobo suits. Make fun of me all you like, I love those 40's movies. I think I would have liked the 40's. Except for no vaccines. And terrible discrimination. And an horrific war. Ok, maybe not...

I'll take the time I live in. After all, the Great One "sets the exact times and places where we shall live". We were put here, like Queen Esther was during the reign of that fickle king, "for such a time as this". He even knew the events to occur 20 weeks ago, and all that would transpire because to them. I have trouble wrapping my head around the swirling happenings on this cosmic ball. But as each day goes by, and the madness in our little corner of the Universe increases, I find my undependable heart becoming just a little more focused on what really matters. The Spirit of the Living God does what He promised: leads us, step by step, into all truth. The steps may be wobbly, but the Leader is secure.

Smitty's off to work tomorrow, the kids are home, and the pilgrim road lies ever before us. By the way, I've posted a picture of my beautiful babies. My earthly treasures. Worth a bazillion dollars, times infinity.

Love to all of you, dear friends. Tune in tomorrow for an update on our smashed up car. Even that bad boy is going to be redeemed...like so much of the rest of this thing.

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/3/10 Day 145

Dear friends,

A little Easter Egg coloring was on the agenda today. My babies never seem to get too old for this spectral tradition.

Dynasplint is not necessarily "dyn-no-mite". (Remember Jimmy Walker from Good Times? If you do, you're not part of the younger set that follows this blog...) Stephen has not been able to keep the thing on all night long, which is the optimal course. In particular, the extender (the one that straightens his arm), is the most uncomfortable. So, we're asking for prayers again for that, and for that uncooperative right knee, which locked right up on the man today during a walk with Miss Rejoice. Hercules even mentioned today his continued hope for full restoration. We are, of course, incredibly grateful for the mobility and quality of life Smitty has. But I know it is frustrating for him at times to be physically limited. He was a strider, and for now, he has to be content with being a plodder. You won't hear him complain, though. I see him wince, and he tells me he's fine. I hear him groan a bit when changing position, and he says he's fine. If you see me wince, I'll give you a five minute story on my aches and pains. He's a good example for me. He endures. And he remains cheerful...

Stephen said tonite "not everything goes in a straight line." He was referring to the 2 steps forward, 1 step back nature of this entire recovery process. Both Steve and Hannah are familiar with it. Truth be told, our whole family has done this shuffle for the past 5 months. I see it too in our walk with the Great One. At times, ground is gained, faith is fortified, and truth settles in, bringing with it a deep, restoring peace. Then, prosperity or adversity come along to test the virtue, to see how dug in it really is, and we discover the pilgrim road is long, and requires repentance, restoration and endurance. By God's sometimes bewildering grace we get there, but Stephen is right. Not everything goes in a straight line.

I made The Chocolate Chip Scones tonite. (It almost seems there should be a drum roll at the mention of them!) You make these confectionery delights the evening before, and leave them, unbaked, in the fridge overnight. On Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas morning, they are popped into the oven upon rising, and served warm with the beverage of choice (mine-coffee, everyone else, chocolate milk). I so wish I could share these scones with you. They're like delicious on steroids. All I can say is yum. Double yum. With all of life's troubles, there are still Chocolate Chip Scones from Plum's in New York (it's their recipe). It simply wouldn't be a major holiday around here without them.

I got some fancy heeled sandals at Payless today ($12.99 on sale!). You guys have really broken me loose with the whole shoe thing. I think I'm in the process of a major shoe breakthrough. Like maybe a really bright colored, patent leather something or other. Such freedom!

Tomorrow is the day we celebrate the grandest event in history. I absolutely love Easter Sunday. Good Friday was payday for our unpayable debt. Resurrection Sunday is the eternal receipt, not only of redemption, but eternal life. In reality, the redeemed can call every day resurrection day. I love that the poorest soul in Calcutta and Bill Gates on his private island are all invited to come, and trade their old, broken nature, for a new, eternal one. It's been said, "the ground is level at the foot of the cross". I have found it to be so. But the road from the cross to the glory, that's a different story. It's bumpy, it's rocky," it doesn't go in a straight line".

Have a beautiful Easter, my beloved friends. He is risen! He is risen indeed!

Your friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/2/10 Good Friday

Dear friends,

"It's Friday, but Sunday's comin". If you're in a difficult place on the pilgrim road, keep it in mind.

Victory wore the mask of defeat, the cross preceeded the crown. This is no pie in the sky optimism. Real blood, sweat and tears were the cost of bringing souls to God.

Jesus said, "It is finished". He put an end to the dividing wall that stood between man and God. In the original language it means "the debt is paid". Wow.

Short post tonite. All I have to say is bubble gum compared to the great and final words of Christ on the Cross. It just seems appropriate tonite to shut up early. I leave you with some words from a beautiful hymn, "Before the Throne of God Above"

"Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me,
To look on Him and pardon me.

I'll talk my head off again tomorrow. But not tonite. Go to bed knowing the Great One loves you with relentless passion.

Your gratefully pardoned friend on the pilgrim road,

Loriann

Update 4/1/10 Day 143

Dear friends,

By the time you read this it will be Good Friday. Here's why it's good:

"...God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting men's sins against them. 2 Cor. 5:19

"God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Cor. 5:21

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross." Colossians 2:14

And on, and on, and on.

The truth of it is, Jesus is the most compelling person I have ever met. And I am only acquainted with a drop in the vast ocean of His wonder. I have followed Him these past 24 years, and I have continually stumbled, fallen and made a fool of myself. I have wandered off the pilgrim road, wept a thousand tears of repentance and gone back and done the same wrong over again more times than I like to confess. I've wallowed in self pity, dabbled in darkness and coddled insecurities with the best (or is it worst?) of them. I continue to need a Savior every minute of my life. I have found Him to be merciful and longsuffering, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. I have seen Him triumph over evil and meet the brokenhearted with the tenderness of a compassionate Father. He has hoisted me up, pulled me out and carried me through countless follies and weaknesses. As the song so perfectly says:

"Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come.
Tis' grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home."

I would be lost without the Cross of Christ. But as it is, I am rescued by it. He is the lifeboat to take every person to the shores of God's mercy. All we have to do is get on board. Everyone is welcome. Heck, if He can keep me on the pilgrim road, He can keep anyone. It's not false modesty. If you lived in my head, you would know it's 100% true.

The past five months only confirm the power of the One and Only Living God. There is nothing: no trial, no sorrow, no tragedy, no darkness, that can separate us from the love of the Great One.

Have a good, Good Friday. Especially my friend Staten Island Eddie, who showed me the Savior's love first when he pitied me for having nothing but an orange for lunch. He was like no other Christian I had ever met! Authentic to the core, with his crazy accent, Mets cap and pure brotherly love.

Thank you all again for being my friends on this stretch of the highway.

Your stumbling friend on the blessed pilgrim road,

Loriann

P.S. Good Friday service at DFG tomorrow eve at 7:00!